Denis the Menis

I've never seen Dune because Jake Gyllenhaal isn't in it.

There was no Gyllenhaalic last week because my kid was on Spring Break which means I was on full-time entertaining her. Her dad and grandpa helped a lot but damn no teachers or babysitters or childcare providers get paid enough because that shit is exhausting and also incredibly important.

I haven't seen Dune so I don't know if there is even a part for Jake in there but I was shocked to learn that he starred in two films from the director of Dune, released within the same calendar year, and isn't in Dune at all? Maybe he has an aversion to sand after Prince of Persia.

Here are their two collaborations.

Enemy

Written by Javier Gullón

Directed by Denis Villeneuve

Release Date: March 14, 2014

CW: Giant fucking spiders?!

I had a hard time getting started writing about this one. On the one hand, Jake Gyllenhaal as a somewhat schlubby college professor is in some ways absolute perfection. On the other hand, everything else about the movie is kind of…huh?

Jake Gyllenhaal plays a college professor and also an actor but maybe they are the same person but they both have smokin' hot blonde partners and at least one of them goes to tarantula sex parties and also Isabella Rossellini is their/his mom. That's honestly all I can tell you.

I mean are you kidding me?

Now I'll admit that I can be pretty dumb about a lot of stuff. My four-year-old calls me a stupid head almost every day and it's hard to fault her for that. I'll also admit that I wasn't, as the kids say, locked into this film. I had to watch it in a couple pieces and some of it was on my phone (WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, ARREST ME, DENIS? I'M VERY BUSY AND THERE ARE A LOT OF FILMS TO GET THROUGH).

But nothing makes me feel more dumb than having to look up "Enemy movie explained" on YouTube. I probably should've just watched it again but truthfully I'm very behind on this project and it simply was not going to happen.

What I liked about it:

• The professor stuff. Super hot. Could've used a pair of dark rimmed glasses if wardrobe is taking notes

• Two Jake Gyllenhaals

What I didn't like about it:

• Too many spiders

• Kinda misogynistic

• Not enough Isabella Rossellini

• Not enough scenes of Jake giving overly broad college lectures on how dictatorships work

• Too unrealistic. He’s a professor and not ONE of his students is trying to “attend office hours”??

RATINGS

Natty or Juiced? Mmm. Beard.

Color scheme: Los Angeles in the 1970s at the height of the smog problem

Gyllenhaaliness: 9/10 He played TWO of himself! How could I go lower than a 9?

Prisoners

Written by Aaron Guzikowski

Directed by Denis Villeneuve

Release Date: September 20, 2013

I used to watch a lot of true crime. Listen to the podcasts. I actually wanted to be an FBI profiler when I was in high school after we had a career day where an FBI agent came and talked about the Green River Killer (nb: what the fuck?) I would've been an awesome talking head on Snapped but my life went in a different direction and it's probably for the best.

Today, I'm the mother of a young daughter and have only minimally managed anxiety so I do not partake in the crime genre nearly as much because, I don't know if you've ever noticed, but most of these crimes are happening to someone's daughter.

If you have a daughter or simply an aversion to gruesome violence directed toward Paul Dano or like me, could be managing your anxiety better, you can skip this one for now. But damn, it's really good.

Jake plays Detective Loki* whose neck is basically bursting out of his buttoned-all-the-way-to-the-top collared shirts. He also has like a tic with his eye and it's definitely a very actor-y choice, but it works. Even his fuckboy soccer player haircut kinda works.

He looks like he’s trying to remember his lines but I swear he’s doing good acting.

Two little girls go missing on Thanksgiving. Viola Davis and Terence Howard (I know we hate him for some reason but I refuse to google why) are very good and very underutilized as the parents of one girl (Joy) while Hugh Jackman tears shit up (literally, metaphorically) as Anna's dad, also leaving little for Maria Bello to do as Anna’s mom (I do love her, though). Frankly, Hugh does enough for all the parents combined. Paul Dano is the creepy neighbor and Melissa Leo is his mom and you honestly won't believe (and may not want to watch) what happens with these folks while Jake tries to find the girls.

All the pieces of this movie seem to come right out of a crime thriller cliche -- vengeful father/relapsing alcoholic, lone wolf detective, creepy neighbor(s), etc. -- but they are put together really well, shot beautifully by Roger Deakins in torrential rain and even when you kind of know what's going to happen you don't and it's exciting to watch.

And sorry, sorry. Look. I know the Oscars are bullshit. I know this to be true in my heart. They are not fair or just or equitable and they don't really prove anything. But do you know who won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar the year this movie was eligible? Jared. Fucking. Leto.

Fuck off, Jared Leto.

Jake didn't even get a nomination! Neither did Hugh Jackman! As far as I'm concerned, that means that the Academy and every voter involved should be prisoners because THAT is a fuckin' crime.

*yes, I looked up Loki on wikipedia and tried to figure out what the connection was for this name and I just couldn't do it (see: stupid head) but there has to be a reason otherwise this is a really silly name. Hugh Jackman's character is named Keller Dover, so actually maybe this is just a case of silly naming.

RATINGS

Natty or Juiced? I don't know what the fuck is going on here all I know is that Jake Gyllenhaal with neck tattoos peeking out of a too-tight button up DID THINGS TO ME.

ACAB? Of course, but I did appreciate that Jake's boss compares cops to janitors.

Gyllenhaaliness: 20/10 this is my favorite Jake movie I've watched and will watch it again despite my mental health