Jake Does the Wrong Thing

Please don't spend $4 renting Bubble Boy. I did it for you.

Jacob Gyllenhaal is a talented, serious film actor who has worked alongside cinematic luminaries like Denis Villeneuve, Ang Lee, and William Crystal.

Jake Gyllenhaal has also been in some absolute dogshit. But I'm still going to watch it.

Bubble Boy

Written by Cinco Paul & Ken Daurio

Directed by Blair Hayes

Release Date: August 24th, 2001

Bubble Boy was released two days before my 17th birthday and two months before Donnie Darko. Wikipedia describes it as a black comedy. I describe it as perhaps the longest 84 minutes of my life (and I was in labor for much longer than that).

Imagine making a film in 2001 and casting a flawlessly young Jake Gyllenhaal and giving him this haircut (which is never explained):

Then making him act through a dirty piece of plastic for nearly the entire runtime. That alone should get you kicked out of the DGA.

The conceit is that Jake has an immune deficiency that prevents him from interacting with the outside world, so he spends his life in his hermetically sealed room, mainly interacting with his very religious mother (Swoosie Kurtz). But when the girl next door (Marley Shelton, an actor who really rode that “this is what a hot teen girl looks like in the late 90s/early 2000s wave just behind Mena Suvari) decides to go to Niagara Falls to get married, he has to figure out a way to get from Palmdale, California to New York to stop the wedding. Hence, the bubble.

Over the course of Jake’s road trip across the country, the script, performances, and vibes offer offensive jabs at:

• Women

• Indians

• Hindus

• Little people

• Fans of Jurassic Park

• Mexicans

• Zach Galifinakis

• The Zodiac Killer

• Hairdressers

• Nebraskans

• Vegetarians

• Christians

• Scientologists

• The concept of germs

• Strippers

• Chinese people

• Jewish people

• Aliens

• Munchausen by proxy

• The pledge of allegiance

• Biker gangs

• MMF threesomes

None of them did anything to deserve this. Except maybe the Scientologists.

This movie was written by the writing team of fellow USC Trojans Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio

Bubble Boy did poorly at the box office, losing about $8 million according to wikipedia (about $14 million today, adjusted for inflation). It got bad reviews from everyone from the Washington Post and the Village Voice to the Salt Lake Tribune and USA Today.

The writers of this film went on to write THE ENTIRE DESPICABLE ME FRANCHISE.

I know. I was also shocked to learn this.

And then, when they got bored of swimming in their infinity pools of money, in 2013 they decided to stage a musical of Bubble Boy? For….reasons? I can only imagine it was some kind of tax evasion scheme.

I will truly never understand white men.

The only good thing I learned about this movie is that as of 2018, there actually is a cure for Bubble Boy disease so presumably we will never have to watch a remake of this film starring Lochlan Ratliff.

RATINGS

Natty or Juiced? Bubbled.

Zodiac Crossover? THE ZODIAC KILLER IS HIS DAD

Gyllenhaaliness: 10/10 The film is terrible but something magical happens when Jake gets out of the bubble at the end and his deep down, pure-of-heart fuckboy charisma reveals itself as he kisses Marley Shelton and you're just like "yeah, that's a movie star."

Bonus Content Idea

I'll get (1) a DVD of this movie (2) a DVD player and watch the commentary track, which includes the director and Jake.

Accidental Love

Original title: Nailed!

Written by: Kristin Gore, Matt Silverstein, Dave Jeser

Directed by: David O. Russell (he disowned the film and is credited as Stephen Greene)

Release Date: February 10, 2015 (sort of)

I'm not, as you may have noticed, watching Jake's filmography in chronological order. This is mainly because:

1. Don't wanna

2. Can't make me

The way I choose which film to watch next is:

1. Vibes

2. Free

This is one of the first JG films that popped up on Tubi. Never having heard of it and still months away from deciding to create this Substack I thought: sure, whatever and hit play.

If you're like me, perhaps you're wondering: why have I never heard of this film starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Jessica Biel, Catherine Keener, James Marsden, Tracey Morgan, Woody from Psych, and Kirstie Alley in her last film performance?

You might be able to guess why by the Valentine's Day ripoff poster. Or even by the cast list I just rattled off.

The reason is that this movie is absolutely horrible.

Jessica Biel stars as a small town roller waitress (I'm not personally a fan of her whole deal but I can appreciate that she looks great on a pair of rollerskates) who is dating James Marsden. At the dinner where he plans to pop the question, an errant nail gun shoots her in the head and the nail becomes lodged in her skull (hence the film’s original title, Nailed). She doesn't have insurance and can't afford the surgery she needs to have the nail removed so she embarks on a kind of Girl with a Nail in her Skull Goes to Washington journey to get universal healthcare passed.

Jimmy Stewart trying to understand the Accidental Love script.

It is in Washington that she meets our friend Jake, who plays her congressman.

It is also in Washington that we learn (or at least it is implied) that the nail in Jessica's skull has changed her attitude toward sex to the point where she and Jake do it almost immediately.

Then a bunch of….things happen. Some congressperson chokes to death. Catherine Keener does shady political dealings. There are Girl Scouts. James Marsden shows up trying to get Jessica back but also he has a new girlfriend.

And the whole thing is a mess. You can kind of see the quirky vision around the edges but it absolutely never clicks into anything approaching smart satire or enjoyable comedy despite all these actors trying their absolute best.

Once you get the context for the film, the final result makes a lot of sense.

David O. Russell and all the stars signed on to make, what presumably, was an okay script but the production company ended up not having the cash they promised. They asked the cast to take pay cuts halfway through filming, Russell eventually took his name off the project altogether and the footage was locked away for years before being purchased, edited and put out on streaming in 2015 with a poster and title that tries to trick people into thinking its a romcom.

All that said, Jake does an adorable job, especially considering filming began in 2008, which was after the release of Zodiac and Rendition and before Brothers. It was probably actually a nice respite to play this horny naive congressman who, as far as we know, never even went to war or fucked his brother's wife!

In the end, did this movie lead directly to the passage of the Affordable Care Act? Well, no, because that happened a full five years before it was ever released. But might it have? If it came out on time? Also no. It's bad. But did I enjoy it? Still no.

BUT is it a movie that has Jake Gyllenhaal in it? It is. Yes. It is.

RATINGS

Natty or Juiced? He's wearing a baggy suit for most of the film but I'm pretty sure he's started working out by this point

Patriotism: 👊🔥🇺🇸

Gyllenhaaliness: 6/10 He brings a certain joy to the role and its not his fault that ill-fitting suits were in style when they started filming. He has my vote.

Bonus Content Idea

I'll read the source material Sammy's Hill by Kristin Gore (yes, as in that Gore) and give a full book report.

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